


Fifteen Months

by oneishaa97



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Falling In Love, Heartbreak, Hurt Alec, Hurt Magnus Bane, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2018-02-08
Packaged: 2019-02-18 00:50:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13088964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oneishaa97/pseuds/oneishaa97
Summary: “Do you think maybe we're too—”“—different?”“Magnus”“Alexander”“I-We can't—I’m sorry. I need—Sorry”What if Alec hadn't turned back after his date with Magnus? What if instead of fighting for Magnus, he gave up? Forcing Magnus to leave Brooklyn and the shadowhunters behind to start over?However, the news of the soul sword has reached Magnus, who can't bear to have his people slathered by a raging psychopath baring the name of Valentine.Magnus Bane returns 15 months later but is he alone? Is he still pinning for Alec?Has Alec moved on?Will they reunite??





	1. Reunion of the century

**Author's Note:**

  * For [saralarssons](https://archiveofourown.org/users/saralarssons/gifts).



_ “Stab the body and it heals, but injure the heart and the wound lasts a lifetime.”  _

_ – Mineko Iwasaki _

  
  
  


**_15 months ago..._ **

 

_ “Do you think maybe we're too—” _

_ “—different?” _

_ “Magnus” _

_ “Alexander” _

_ “I-We can't—I’m sorry. I need—Sorry” _

 

_ The second the door clicks, indicating the departure of the Shadowhunter Magnus had come so much to care about, the tears burst forth, spilling like water from a dam. The muscles in Magnus’ chin trembles like a small child. He looks towards the windows, the blinds drawn open, moonlight illuminating the otherwise dark loft, as if the light could somehow soothe him. _

_ There is static in his head once more, the side effect of his constant fear, the constant stress of heartbreak. _

_ He can faintly make out his own sounds, like a distressed child. It takes something from him; something he didn’t think he had left to give. It’s the theft of the spirit, an injury no one person could see. _

_ I should’ve known better; the closeted shadowhunter with a secret bigger than he himself. He needed a way out, and Magnus, so desperate for someone to love him again, was the easiest target. _

_ Magnus’ eyes drip with tears. The walls, he had so carefully crafted around his heart for the better part of two centuries, just collapsed. _

_ Salty drops drip from his chin, drenching his Peruvian Prima cotton shirt. Perhaps these tears will help wash the heartache out. _

_ His knees, from all the shock and chaos, buckles under his weight before crashing, quite inelegantly, onto the floor, padded hand-knitted Persian carpet, gifted to him by an old lover he no longer remembers the name nor face of. _

_ He’s trembling, unable to stop even as he presses his hand to the wall as he shakes violently. It’s raw. Everything’s raw. Raw tears, raw emotions. He tries, unsuccessfully, to stop; to brush himself off as he normally does, and moves on. _

_ I-I can’t. Why can’t I stop? _

_ A soft hand gently squeezes his shoulder. He doesn’t need to look to know that it’s his oldest, greatest friend, Catarina Loss. _

_ He allows himself to be cradled into her chest. _

_ He sobbed into her chest, unceasingly, hands clutching at her scrubs. She held her dear friend in silence, rocking him slowly as his tears soaked her chest, creating a huge wet stain in the front of her work gear but she couldn’t bring herself to care, not when her friend has been hurt so badly that he didn’t even seem to care of the fact that he’s breaking down in someone else’s arms. Her strong, brave Magnus Bane, who always worn a smile even when his heart was breaking. _

_ Something awful must have happened for him to seek comfort in someone else and not at the bottom of one of the bottles of his finest, most expensive alcohol. _

_ A tiny lapse lets him pull away, blinking lashes with heavy tears, before he collapsed again, his howls of misery worsening. The pain came in waves; minutes of sobbing, broken apart by short pauses for recovering breaths, before hurling himself back into the outstretched arm of his friend. _

_ “Magnus,” she murmured, combing her fingers through his product-filled hair. _

_ Catarina gently pushed her friend by his shoulders, forcing him to reach her own sad eyes. _

_ She refused to look away, even as Magnus’ lips trembled and his shoulders heaved with emotion, she was unwilling to back down. His hands clenched into shaking fists, in a desperate battle against grief. _

_ “Cat, I-Alec. I fell in love with him and he-” _

_ The shadowhunter. Of course. _

_ Burning rage hissed throughout Catarina’s body like a deadly poison but she refused to let it show. It wasn’t the time for I told you so. It was the time to comfort her friend, soothe his pain and nurse him back to the strong, confident man she loves. _

_ “I’m here. You’re okay.” _

_ Unknown to them, Isabelle Lightwood was hidden in the shadows, watching with sad, tear-filled eyes as the scene played out before her. _

_ What the hell did Alec do to him? What did her shy, grumpy brother do or say to have the High Warlock of Brooklyn bent over in a fit of tears? _

_ Along with the sadness she felt for Magnus, anger rushed through her veins aimed precisely at her older brother. She loves her brother, she really does but he can really be an insensitive asshole whenever he wants to be. _

_ But maybe...maybe he didn’t mean it. As harsh as Alec was and he was, of one thing she was certain, he was not unsentimental. He would never hurt Magnus like that. Not again. Not so soon after his almost marriage to Lydia. _

_ Not after his huge declaration.  _

_ Her brother was not selfish. _

_ He was many things but selfish was not one of them and Isabelle sworn that she would do everything within her power to get to the bottom of the matter. _

_ For Magnus. _

_ For her brother. _

_ For their happiness. _

 

**Present...**

 

_ High Warlock Bane, The New York Institute dutifully requests your presence in relation to the Soul Sword. It has come to our knowledge that it has been missing for quite a number of months. Your level of expertise in the field will be humbly appreciated.  _

_ Yours respectfully, _

_ Isabelle Lightwood, _

_ Forensic pathologist _

_ Vague,  _ Magnus thought, using his magic to crumble the fire message into a tiny ball before tossing it into the fireplace. Fire flashed into existence in a wash or red and yellow sparks. Swirling the glass of whiskey, Magnus eyed the amber liquid and the golden glow of glass-like cubes. He poked them with his perfectly manicured nail to hear them jingle in the predawn silence. He watched, entranced, as they bounced back up remaining mostly submerged like mini icebergs. Wrapping his long, elegant fingers around the glass, he felt his heat leech into the drink.  _ Alcohol. _

The elixir of his life. He raised the glass to sip, feeling the keen burn of his tongue and throat _ — _ a burn that usually made Alec recoil; scrunching his face adorably.

Magnus quickly scolded himself for allowing his treacherous mind to wander to Alexander Lightwood, Head of the New York Institute, last he heard.

He closed his eyes dwelling only on the flavour of whiskey neat.  _ Lilith _ , it was good.

“Will you go?”

Catarina Loss, in all her blue gloriousness, stood mere inches behind her friend. The fire heightening her natural colour, making her appear bluer than she actually was.

“I’m not sure.”

Catarina joins her friend, standing in front of the fireplace, their conspiratorial whispers barely audible over the cackle of lively flames.

“Xavier,” Magnus whispered, clutching the glass tightly.

“Will understand,” Catarina finished, unglamoured cerulean eyes rimmed with thick, dark lashes that brushed her cheek everytime she closed her eyes, bore into his yellow cat slitted eyes; pleading silently.

Over the years, Catarina had learned to read Magnus as well as she could read herself.

“That boy loves you more than anything.”

Magnus smiles softly. Eyes the colour of deep mahogany and a dimpled smile flashed before his eyes, soft black curls framing his cherubic face, eyes rimmed with eyelashes so long and thick they kissed the top of his cheek every time he blinked.

“And I love him. I just don’t want to overwhelm him with this. I haven’t exactly left Brooklyn in the best possible way.”

Magnus had always been adept at hiding his broken insides but Catarina could not be fooled. Looking closely, it was easy for her to see his perfect mask of pretense crumbling down as his raw emotions took over. Magnus just didn’t fear for Xavier, he feared for  _ himself _ . He knew the shadowhunters were not calling him back there to hurt him. Of course not, but it has been over a year. An entire year and three months since he’s seen them, talked to them,  _ helped _ them out of their foolish troubles and now he was just expected to pack up and head back to the life he desperately wanted to be rid of but he couldn’t hide out anymore. Magnus Bane was many things but he was no coward. His people were in danger.  _ He  _ was danger.

“Okay.” Determined flamed in Magnus’ unglamoured eyes, his fist clenched tightly at his side.

“Our people are in danger. Of course I’m going.”

Magnus thanks Catarina for all that she has done for the past few months, her endless support and love had broken him out of a deep state of depression and feelings of unworthiness. He made his way to the bedroom he had been occupying for the past two days, pausing at the bed to look over Xavier as he slept, soft snores emitted from his puckered lips. Dread crept up his spine like a spider leaving a trail of silk in its wake. Alone, within his private walls, he could admit that he was terrified. For his people, for seeing a certain dark haired, hazel eyed shadowhunter again especially since he had ignored every single one of Alec’s calls in the first eight months, until Alec had finally decided to stop calling, stop leaving messages, just  _ stopped _ all together.

Isabelle had called him every single day, leaving him thousands of voicemails he had yet to hear as he deleted them almost immediately.

Magnus sighed, magicking away his jewellery and changing into a white t-shirt and tight silk boxers before huddling behind Xavier, pressing gentle kisses to the sleeping boy’s soft curls. He stirred but didn’t wake. Magnus gazed at him lovingly, with such love, such adoration. With a final press of his lips against the Xavier’s ear, he let himself be pulled under, into a wave of slumber.

 

“Ready?” Catarina asked, hugging Magnus’ side, her thick hair tickling his chin. It was that time. The time he would be leaving his Cat and Xavier for a few days to assist the shadowhunters in retrieving the soul sword. Surprisingly, Xavier had taken the news well. He had been very understanding and encouraging and it made Magnus feel a little better about leaving him behind as he didn’t want to risk exposing the mundane to Maryse Lightwood’s racial prejudice.

“Just about,” Magnus responded, as he adored his fingers with his many rings, smiling softly at the emerald ring he had gotten from Xavier.

_ “It goes with your eyes,” _ Magnus remembered him saying with the widest grin, obviously very proud of himself.

Catarina nodded, a small encouraging smile on her lips as she twirled her fingers, creating a portal for her friend.

Magnus grinned at her.

“Getting rid of me already, Catarina? I’m deeply hurt.”

Cat scoffed, rolling her eyes playfully. “As if I could ever rid of you. You never seem to leave me alone.”

Magnus wrapped an arm around his friend’s shoulders, pulling her close. Despite the heaviness in his stomach, it fluttered knowing that if all else failed his friend would have his back until the very end. Cat sunk into his warm side, squeezing him gently before gesturing towards the swirling portal.

Magnus nodded his thanks and stepped through.

Not before long, he was standing in front of the Institute.

* * *

 

“Magnus,” Isabelle greeted, almost hesitant.

_ Odd for someone who has been blowing up my phone for months. _

“How are you?” Her tight leather suit sprayed with Ichor, her usually styled black hair scraped into a single plait at the back of her head.

“I’ve been well, Isabelle,” He smirked, eyeing her warily. “How have you been?”

“Magnus, listen _ — _ what’s that?”

Magnus’ brows knitted in confusion, which dissolves rather quickly as he followed her eyes.

His fingers dragged across the name inked into his skin out of habit.

_ Xavier _

Magnus had never pegged himself as someone who would willingly mark their skin permanently but that was before Xavier. It wasn’t as though he needed a reminder. He couldn’t forget Xavier even if he tried. It was just something he felt like doing in the moment. A way to keep him close when they weren’t in the same room, or state for that matter, especially since Xavier was a mundane.

“At tattoo, Isabelle. Surely, you know what that is?”

Isabelle huffed, a soft chuckle escaping her smudged red lips.

“Yes but...Who is that?”

Magnus’ perfectly arched eyebrow cocked up.

“I’m sorry. You don’t have t _ — _ ”

Magnus waved his hand dismissively, blue sparks flowing from his fingers.

“Xavier, the man in my life.”

“Oh.” Isabelle’s shoulders visibly slumped. She was devastated, though Magnus couldn’t understand why. _Would would the news of his_ _ — _

“Izzy _ — _ ”

Magnus froze. 

That voice. He would know it anywhere. It was the same voice that had haunted him everyday for three months, until Catarina had forced him out of bed, forced him to carry on living as it wasn’t the end of the world because a certain shadowhunter hadn’t felt anything at all for him.

“Magnus.” 

Alec’s voice was strained. He felt as though his lungs were slowly filling with water, as if there was just less space in them for air. Inflating them felt as though lead was pushing down, sitting comfortably on his chest.

Magnus Bane, the man who had been haunting his dreams for months now, the man Isabelle had stopped talking to him for 3 weeks for because he had  _ hurt  _ him, because he had _broken_ his heart.

“Alec.”   
  



	2. Regrets & Tears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I know, I know. I said I would update fairly quickly but life definitely got in the way. Someone I had known since I was very young passed away and between the wake and funeral I just couldn't bring myself to write anything but I did promise so I just wrote this very short chapter. It may be garbage because I'm still not up to par so please bare with me and when I tried to write this Fakin' It (another shameless plug) demanded to be written as well and I just couldn't say no. Anyway, I'm rambling. I hope you enjoy or not...
> 
>  
> 
> If there are any typos please let me know.

 

_ Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.      _

_ -Sydney J. Harris _

  
  


**_15 months ago..._ **

 

Alec felt  _ suffocated. _

His breath seemed to stutter in his lungs, tension building in his body. He hadn’t meant to walk out on Magnus. He was just so…  _ him.  _ His insecurities had gotten the better of him. He couldn’t possibly see himself as someone Magnus Bane, centuries old High Warlock would  _ want _ to be with, would  _ choose _ to be with. Looking around, he frowned. He had no idea where he was. He just knew that he had ran from Magnus’ loft, like the coward that he was,  _ is _ .

_ Magnus deserves better than a frightened shadowhunter. He deserves someone that would not have freaked out at the thought of his many partners. _ Alec scoffed, rushing his fingers through his messy hair.

_ He’s lived for centuries did you honestly think he just sat around waiting for you? _

With his back pressed against a brick wall in the middle of nowhere, Alec slid down, paying little attention to the tears in his jacket from the hard surface. He pulls his hand around his knees, hugging them close the caps of his knees dug into his chest. He couldn’t breathe. With every breath he took he felt an invisible noose tightening around his neck. Alec breathed deeply as if no air would ever be enough, as if he were a drowning victim suddenly brought up from the depths.

In his struggle for breath, he heard a slight buzzing in his ear followed by a soothing voice, calming him.

_ “You’re having a panic attack, Alec.” _

_ Magnus. _

Magnus had helped him through a similar situation. After he had been possessed by the demon that murdered Jocelyn he was... _ shaken.  _ His chest felt tighter with every breath he took and he just couldn’t  _ breathe.  _ Alec had felt the panic erupt like a cluster of spark plugs in his abdomen. His breathing had become more rapid, shallow.

Magnus had been there. 

Magnus had helped him.

_ Relax your muscles, Alexander. Breathe in deeply to a mental count of four, that’s it. Good, Alec. Hold it, there you go. Hold it for seven seconds. Nicely done. Exhale slowly, through your mouth to a count of eight. _

Alec followed Magnus’ instructions thoroughly, repeating the necessary steps until he felt his breathing slowed, back to normal. His head felt heavier than usual but his breathing was level. He was okay.

_ You’re okay, Alexander. I’m here. _

Alec hadn’t even realized he was crying until he felt a stream of salty tears escaping his warm hazel eyes, flowing down his pale cheeks, releasing the sadness and sorrow that had been locked up inside him for years.

He didn’t know how long he was sat there, silently sobbing but when he raised his head from his knees, it was sunrise. Sunlight filled the skies, pure scattered light; its hue ambitiously illuminating each of crevice of land. Birds chirped happily in the background. Alec sighed, scrubbing his palm against his face. Thankfully, he had been glamoured otherwise he was quite certain the mundane police would have woken him up and hauled him to a nearby holding cell.

Alec dragged himself up into a standing position, arching his back in an attempt to loosen his sore muscles.

_ Magnus. Magnus. Magnus. _

His mind was reeling with thoughts of Magnus, of what had happened the night before, the way he had walked out on the warlock without as much as a goodbye just a incoherent apology.

He had to get to Magnus. He needed to apologize. He needed him to know that he cared, that he wasn’t afraid anymore. He was ready to open up his heart to someone like Magnus; someone kind, wise and loving.

Someone he could easily build a life with.

 

* * *

 

_ You hurt him badly, Alec. _

_ He was crying. _

_ He fell in love with you. _

_ He was a wreck. _

_ His friend had to practically haul him off the floor. _

“I-I called. I called you.”

Alec groaned internally. He hadn’t meant to say that aloud. He just...didn’t know  _ what _ to say to the man whose heart he broke so badly that he couldn’t even bare to stay in the same city as him, let alone the same country.

As the Head of the Institute, it was his duty to bring the High Warlock up to speed which was why Izzy had stepped aside, not subtly at all, leaving Alec and Magnus standing awkwardly in the middle of the institute until Magnus had asked, quite formally, to examine their progress.

“How long has the soul sword been missing?” Magnus prides himself on keeping his voice steady and professional. He didn’t realize how angry he was at Alec until he was standing just mere inches from him.

“Uh-I-Um.. Just f-follow me, Mag-High Warlock.”

“No need to be so formal, Alec.  _ Magnus _ will do.”

Alec nodded, brisking down the corridor leading to his office.

Upon entering the office, Alec awkwardly offered Magnus some refreshments, to which he politely declined, preferring to discuss the details of the soul sword and it’s presumed location.

Growing up Alec had never been afraid of much. He couldn’t afford to be. He was a Lightwood, the eldest Lightwood, a born leader and protector. He never thought he would ever be terrified of something yet… at this very moment, standing on the opposite end of his office, the office he has worked his ass off for, he found himself more frightened than ever. Frightened of loneliness, of Magnus refusing to forgive him for his grave mistake, of having to live out the rest of his days without the man he so desperately wanted as his own, in his life, forever.

“The Clave lied. The Soul Sword was never retrieved and has been missing for months,” Alec explained, arms clasped tightly behind in back.

The next hour was spent discussing every possible lead they had on the soul sword. After a tiring attempt to right Valentine’s wrongs had proven to be futile, the duo decided to call it a night. Alec rises to his feet slowly, stealing a quick glance at Magnus, the man he still had a crazy amount of feelings for. He still looked like Magnus, except for his expression. Gone was the playfully smirk he always wore, now replaced by one of absolute disdain. Alec bites on his lower lip frustrated. He didn’t know how to fix what he had unintentionally broken all those months ago. Alec shook his head, a dry chuckle escaping his lips, finally drawing Magnus’ eyes to his. Alec tugs at the hem of his shirt, in a futile attempt to hide the pain currently swimming around his heart. He plasters a forced smile onto his lips, burying the sadness deep.

“Thank you for taking the time to assist us with this. I know you’re a busy man _ — _

The buzzing of Magnus’ phone interrupted Alec’s attempt at thanks. Frowning, Magnus reached for his face before a soft, gentle smile tugged at his lips.

His forefinger lifted in pause, the smile never wavering from his lips. Alec nodded, though he had a feeling Magnus hadn’t intended on asking his permission before answering the ringing phone.

“Hey handsome.”

Alec shifted uncomfortably. Isabelle had mentioned Magnus’ boyfriend to him as he and the warlock were making their way to his office and instantly Alec was thrown back to the night he had walked out on Magnus after learning about his many partners. Magnus lips stretched into a wide smile at whatever it was  _ Xavier _ was saying on the other end of the line. Magnus had a smile that could make the world stop around him, a smile that brought a bunch of bittersweet memories. Magnus smiles like he’s happy right to his soul like there is no part of him that sadness dwells. Alec didn’t know Xavier, didn’t know if he was a downworlder, another Shadowhunter or a mundane, what he did know was that he hated him with a burning passion. It was a hate he had no right to give but he couldn’t help himself. Magnus should’ve been with him, they would’ve been together and...and  _ happy _ . He would’ve learned to love Magnus the way the man had once loved him. Magnus chatters softly to the man at the other end of the line and Alec does his best to not eavesdrop, just standing with his shoulders back, patiently waiting to bid Magnus goodbye properly. He refused to just walk out as he had done all those months ago, even if it was something so little as  _ goodbye _ .

“I love you too.”

Alec’s head snapped up. That was the breaking point of his patience. At that moment, he was blinded by a five-course serving of rage and utmost jealousy. Before he could talk himself out of it, Alec walked over to Magnus, grabbing his hand and yanking him into his chest.

“Who is that?”

Golden cat eyes flashed at him but Alec didn’t even flinch, tightening his hold on Magnus instead.

“Xavier, I’ll call you later. Yes, I love you too. Ok. Bye.”

Magnus forcefully pushed Alec back, the taller man staggered but didn’t fall. Hazel eyes flashed with anger, anger he didn’t deserve to have because he was the one that walked away so easily.

“What the fuck, Alec?”

“Who _was_ that?” Alec repeated, surprisingly calm even though he was fuming on the inside.

The softness Magnus’ eyes held when talking to the other man evaporated quickly.

His eyes were a knife in Alec’s ribs, the sharp point digging deeper. Where there had been love was an emptiness, but not in any vulnerable sense. Uncomfortable with the void, he had filled it with an emotion he was more at ease with  raw anger. The unmoving gaze was accompanied by deliberate slow breathing, like he was fighting something back and losing.

“You left  _ me _ , not the other way around. You have no right over me or whomever I choose to share my love with. How fucking dare you?”

His eyes flashed with anger, much like lightning on a pitch black night. He couldn't recognize him anymore, the man he used to know was gone, and it was all because of him. Regret washed over Alec like the long slow waves on a shallow beach. Each wave was icy cold and sent shivers down his spine .

_ What the hell am I doing? This is no way to win Magnus back _

“Magnus _ — _ ”

“Don’t.”

Alec could only stand there, shoulders slumped in defeat as he watched Magnus pack up his stuff before walking towards the door. He paused, with his hand at the doorknob and in a whispered tone, he spoke words that chilled Alec shattered Alec’s already mangled heart.

“I wish I had never met you.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Between work & studies, I was getting my ass kicked massively and I've had an annoying case of writer's block..  
> You know how it is. This chapter definitely isn't my best but I had to put something out for my loyal, patient readers.
> 
> Hope you enjoy! xx

_ I wish I had never met you _

Pain. All he felt was pain.

Utter and complete heartbreak.

“Magnus.” Alec’s voice echoed in the stillness of the night, where he laid in his bed, duvet tucked under his chin. The tears hadn’t stopped flowing. Not since Magnus uttered those seven words that ripped his heart out completely; bruised and bloody, beating just barely. A sharp cry pushes past Alec’s lips and he pulls his covers tighter around his body. Tight enough for the thick fabric to burn into his skin. He allowed it _ — _ welcomed it the slight pain it brought him.

_ You deserve this for hurting him. _

_ You deserve pain and loneliness for the rest of your days. _

_ He’s happier without you. _

_ He’ll never forgive you, no longer loves you. _

Sighing, Alec willed himself to stop his crying. He picked up his phone from where he’d dropped it on his bedside after his little outburst; three days ago.

The deep, bold numbers read 2:45AM.

Perhaps, he could get away with one final message before he finally lets Magnus go.  _ As if he would ever be able to truly let the warlock go _ .

Magnus deserved better. He deserves someone who wasn’t too afraid to love him. He deserves someone who loves him more than words could ever explain.  _ Someone like Xavier. _

His fingers danced across the phone screen, hesitantly. He sucked in a deep breath, letting the air caress his lungs before exhaling.

_ I’m so sorry, Magnus. You have to understand that it was never my intention to hurt or disrespect you. I just reacted without thinking of how you’d feel. I made a mistake. My mistakes caused me the one person who has ever allowed me to be myself. You brought me happiness. I understand your reasons for leaving all those months ago and your reaction some days ago  but that doesn’t mean that I’ve accepted that you’re no longer in my life. I’ve missed you everyday for fifteen months and I will miss you my whole life. _

_ I hope you have the best life, Magnus Bane because you deserve to be so happy. _

_ I’m very sorry for hurting you. _

_ I’m an idiot. _

 

_ -Alexander _

 

In Isabelle’s restlessness, she found herself, at 3AM roaming the halls of the institute. The stillness of the night allowed her to hear what she knew for certain Alec wouldn’t want her or anyone else to ever know. Sobs seeped through the doors, resting on her skin like poison. Her big brother sounded like he was struggling to breathe.

Izzy’s heart cracked wide open. Slowly, without wasting another second, Isabelle entered her brother’s room. He was curled up on the floor besides his bed in a fetal position, clutching his chest.

“Don’t Isabelle.” Alec whispered; voice strained and broken.

“It hurts. I can’t breathe. Magnus _ — _ ”

Isabelle stayed rooted to the spot, the breeze moving her hair across her cheekbones. Her features buckled just slightly, the only betrayal of her pain, before she spoke.

“Magnus is hurt, Alec. You didn’t see him that night. He was a mess. Give him time, big brother. He’ll come around.”

Izzy’s tone was soft; barely audible even in the stillness of the early morning. The only sounds to be heard was Alec’s hiccups as he tried, and failed, to keep his crying at bay. Alec swallowed the thick lump in his throat, raising his red rimmed eyes to meet his sister’s worried brown eyes.

“Iz.”

The raven haired woman rushed over to her brother’s side, barely catching him as he flung himself into her arms, crying noisily.

“Give him time. It’ll be okay,” Izzy assures her brother, more for herself than him. Magnus was involved with someone else. Someone who wasn’t her brother and Alec...Alec was taking it pretty hard. She didn’t want to lie to her brother but he just couldn’t bare hearing that Magnus may never want him back, especially not when he’s now with someone that he’s happy with, someone that he obviously loves very much and who loves him just the same.

“I can’t take it. I don’t want to. I just want it to stop. I want Magnus. Please. Iz. Bring Magnus back to me.”

Isabelle’s heart shatters in her chest. She pulls back gently to meet Alec’s eyes, offering him a sad smile as she gently combs her fingers through his hair. With a tear stained face, she whispers, “It’ll work out. Trust me, brother.”

 

Alec wakes suddenly, every thought in high definition. His eyes adjusts to the rays of sunlight and without a single doubt in mind, he knows he’s slept for way too long. Isabelle lays at his side, tucked against his chest, her hand sprawled across his chest affectionately. 

He wakes Isabelle with more effort than usual, showers, dresses and meet his parabatai outside his bedroom door, closed fist raised to knock.

“Magnus is here.”

Alec nods firmly. The Soul Sword was still at large. Magnus’ life was still in danger. There was no time to dwell on his heartbreak. He had lives to safe, Magnus to  _ protect _ whether the warlock wanted his help or not.

 

* * *

 

Magnus was annoyed.

Annoyed at Alexander for being so damn naïve.

Alec was a puzzle he had no interest in figuring out. The man walked out on him after learning of his past relationships. He had no right to be pissed at him, no right to send him sweet, apologetic text messages and signing it as  _ Alexander. _

_ Who the hell does he think he is?  _

He was in love  _ with _ a Shadowhunter. Maybe he was the naïve one for ever thinking that a Shadowhunter, a Lightwood no less, would ever care about him, would ever  _ love _ him. 

_ Why the hell would Alec even waste his time on a filthy Warlock? _ Magnus scoffed at his own stupidity. Never again would he fall so low as to think the only love he could receive was that of a Shadowhunter’s. Xavier was enough.

Xavier practically saved his life and he would forever be indebted to him.

“Magnus.” Jace greeted with a stiff nod while Alec stood besides him, shoulders back, hands clasped tightly behind his back.

_ Somethings just never change. _

“Shadowhunters.” Alec fought the urge to flinch at Magnus’ tone; cold and void of emotion.  Something flashed beneath the surface of Magnus’ hardened expression and Alec hurried to investigate the sudden shift. It was too late, the emotion disappeared before he could identify it, like reaching desperately for an escaped balloon; the string dangling so tantalizingly close but the wind pushed it away and it's lost forever.

“We’ve been searching for the Soul Sword for the past two weeks. We’re nowhere closer to it now than we were then.”

Magnus listened outwardly nonchalant, inwardly impatient. He’d been gone for far too long. He’s spent days away from Xavier and what a wasteful couple of days it had been.

Isabelle offered Magnus a small, strained smile to which Magnus quirked his brows at.

“We’re sorry for keeping you. I know you’ve got your own life back in London.”

Magnus nodded in return, his mouth parted but before he could get his words out a portal opened behind him. Alec and Jace drew their weapons in perfect synchronicity, which Magnus would’ve been impressed by if it wasn’t for his friend, Cat, who tumbled from the portal bloodied and exhausted.

Magnus’ palms were sweaty, the adrenaline coursing through his system was shutting down his ability to think logically but Magnus tried to remain calm, panicking would help neither of them. 

“What happened?”

“The circle. They attacked. I fought them off as much as I could. I’m okay, we’re okay. I’m just a bit low on magic.”

Isabelle rushes forward, glass of water in hand, towards the weakened warlock. Cat inclines her head, eyed the liquid suspiciously before Magnus nodded at her, she sighed, accepting the cold liquid, to soothe her burning throat.

“Xavier. Where is he?”

Magnus desperately tried to hide how fearful he was. He could control the tremor in his voice to a degree.

_ If he lost Xavier… _

He didn’t even want to think it.

There’s no way he’d survive.

Catarina tensed visibly. Magnus swallowed hard in anticipation.

“Cat _ — _ ”

“I had no choice, Magnus. I had to bring him along.”

For the briefest of moments Magnus was beyond grateful that his Xavier was alright, alive and breathing but Cat’s distressed tone scattered across his brain on a loop.

_ Bring him along. _

“You  _ brought _ him? Here? With a bunch of Shadowhunters? With the queen Shadowhunter bitch herself?”

“Hey!” Jace warned, though Maryse  _ was _ actually a bitch, she is the only mother he’s ever known and he wouldn’t stand for anyone disrespecting her. Magnus ignored him, eyes trained directly on Catarina. She avoided his gaze, fiddling nervously with the hem of her torn shirt.

“Catar _ — _ ”

“No one is going to hurt him, Magnus. Mother isn’t even here.”

Alec explained carefully, trying his hardest to keep the bitterness from his tone. He was a Shadowhunter; sworn to protect the mundanes. He could do his job. He  _ would _ do his job for Magnus, for the innocent Mundane dragged into the Shadow World.

_ Magnus’ boyfriend. _

_ The man he loved. _

Magnus regarded him closely, the Shadowhunter he had once so foolishly given his heart to. Alexander was no liar. He was a good soldier, loyal to a fault. He wouldn’t harm Xavier. Magnus knew this for sure. He would never trust Alec with his heart again but he could always trust him to do what was right and slaughtering an innocent Mundane because he stepped into the institute without permission was not right. Alec would never allow it.

“OK. Cat,” Magnus turned back to his friend, offering her his hand as he helped her from the floor.

“How much did he see?”

“Enough.”

Magnus groaned. Xavier didn’t need Shadowhunter drama. Of course he knew what Magnus and Catarina were. That had been surprisingly easy to explain but Shadowhunters…they  _ killed  _ downworlders. They’ve threatened Magnus’ life on several occasions. Xavier would be used as a pawn to get to him.

They would hurt Xavier to make him bleed. 

“We’ll protect your boyfriend, Magnus. You can count on us.” Isabelle promised, offering a small smile.

Catarina quirked a brow at Magnus, who just chuckled quietly.

“Well, I’m sure Magnus’  _ boyfriend _ would appreciate that.” Catarina looked thoroughly amused. The siblings exchanged confused glances at the warlock’s mocking tone.

“Uh.. where is he? We can offer him a warm bed, some coffee, maybe?”

Catarina walked towards the door where she had left Xavier after making him swear that he wouldn’t leave unless someone came to get him. 

Her eyes shifted to Magnus’ seeking permission. He nodded, smirk tugging at his lips.

Catarina swung the door open.

“Xavier.” Magnus’ voice was soft, gentle as if he were trying not to scare the mundane.

Izzy frowned. 

_ Why would he need to talk to a grown man like that— _

Isabelle’s thoughts are broken by a rush of brown curls, running as fast as his legs would carry him, screaming with delight.

_ Xavier was a… _

“Papa!”   
  


 


	4. Chapter 4

_ 12 months ago… _

 

Catarina Loss was a person of impossible talents. She was like a bird in flight, making something so impossible for others appear so simple and natural but even she couldn’t seem to soothe the crying child.

_ Xavier, age 4, Pneumonia _ ,  _ malnutrition. _

His crying was both ferocious and noisy. He blinked briny tears from his eyes from his bloodshot eyes, his thick lashes stuck together in clumps as if he’d been swimming. The tears made wet tracks down his face, dripping from his wobbling chin. Clear, watery snot streaked from his nostrils down to his mottled red skin to his opening, quivering lips.

“It’s okay, Xavier,” Cat soothed, brushing her fingers through the young boy’s untamed curls. 

A few minutes passed and Xavier seemed to be breathing properly on his own. Catarina sighed, relief colouring her enervated features. Xavier had been brought in roughly two days ago when 911 operators responded to a distressed young woman, who had called to report a missing child wandering the neighbourhood calling out for his  _ mama _ . Clothes tattered and worn, tangled curly hair practically covering his tiny face, obscuring the layer of grime broken by tear tracks. His cheekbones were more pronounced that they should have ever been on one so young.

After a fitful search of the boy’s mother, it was revealed that she had overdosed on her antidepressants. Twenty three year old, Averie West survived by just her four year old son bore from a sexual assault she had encountered as she had been walking home from a late night lecture. Her rapist was never found, which according to the deceased’s mother, sent Averie down a very lonely path. She drank, smoked, it was all by some miracle that her child appeared healthy after birth.

Xavier had hid in the closet of his bedroom and waited nearly an hour after it was quiet before coming out quietly as he was taught to do by his grandmother, whenever his mother had one of her  _ spells. _ Mrs. West was in no position to care for her young grandson as she was now wheelchair bound due to an accident she had encountered earlier in the year, which ultimately resulted in Xavier’s only option was to be transferred to the nearest foster home as soon as he was well enough. Catarina looked down at the little boy only to find that he had already been watching her, his bright brown eyes boring into hers, as if she were somehow his only hope. Catarina sighed, saddened by the unfortunate cloud that seemed to cower over the innocent child.

“Would you like a story tonight, Xavier?”

The young boy looked scared, as if waiting for permission to voice his thoughts.

Catarina frowned.

_ What did your mother do to you, sweet boy? _

“No.”

A smile flitted its way across Catarina’s lips.

No.

The first word ever uttered by the young child. Such a negative response positively warmed Cat’s heart.

 

Catarina’s phone pinged in the distance, reminding her of the dinner date she had scheduled with her oldest, dearest friend, Magnus Bane, who had been going through a bit of a messy breakup.

_ Magnus. _

 

Magnus would know what to do with Xavier.

Xavier would  _ help _ Magnus.

They would help _ each other _ .

  
  


_ 7 months later _

“I got Papa a gift!” Xavier announced happily, chubby hands secured behind his back, dimpled grin almost splitting his face in half that Magnus couldn’t  _ not _ smile at his child, his son.

_ His _

Getting Xavier to open up had proven to be quite a difficult task. Magnus’ magic would only go so far as to appease the boy when night rolled around, Magnus would be awoken by loud screaming and crying coming from the guest room that he had prepared for Xavier. It went on like that for seven days until Magnus decided to just have the boy sleep in his bed at nights. It was a difficult but Magnus wouldn’t trade those moments for anything.

Xavier was his son.

Xavier had saved him from dwelling in sadness for the rest of his days.

“What’d you get Papa?”

Catarina chuckled from where she prepared a snack for her nephew in the kitchen.

“He’ll burst if you keep him waiting any longer, Xav.”

Xavier, as carefully as he could, removed his hand from behind his back, fist still closed over whatever present he had gotten for his papa.

“Close your eyes, papa.”

Magnus chuckled but obeyed his son.

“Open!”

Magnus’ eyes fluttered open.

Xavier in all his mighty glory stood in front of his father, hands outstretched, a beautiful emerald ring in hand.

Catarina walked from the kitchen, tray in hand, smiling softly at her friend’s stunned expression.

“Xavier picked it out for you. It put a dent in my pocket for sure but he insisted that his papa had to get the very best.”

“It goes with your eyes, Papa!”

Magnus smiled lovingly at the little person who changed his life for the better. He pressed a kiss against the boy’s unruly curls.

“Thank you, son.”

“Now we match, kinda.” Xavier explained dragging his fingers across the letters of his name inked into side of his hand. Magnus chuckled then nodded.

Xavier had always been such a creative child, something that Magnus had caught onto easily. He was always drawing and scribbling his name everywhere. From the walls, the couches, Chairman, Xavier drew everywhere before he realized that drawing on his Papa was much better and easier to clean as Papa would say.

“Papa, it keeps coming off,” Xavier pouted, brown eyes glossy with years.

“It isn’t permanent ink that’s why. It’ll wash off with water.”

Xavier pondered his father’s words carefully then instantly brightened up as an idea crossed his mind.

“We should make it permanent!”

Magnus frowned.

“Xavier, no.”

Xavier’s chin wobbled, brown eyes filled with tears as he nodded before turning and walking to his room.

 

_ Now… _

 

“Papa!”

Magnus scooped the giggling boy into his arms as he decorated his little face with kisses. Xavier’s giggles rang through the room that had fallen utterly still at Xavier’s reveal.

“I missed you so much!”   
“I missed you too, Papa! I grew three inches. Aunt Cat said so.” Xavier explained happily, grinning up at his papa.

Magnus had missed this.

Missed seeing his son’s smiling face, missed hearing the boy calling him  _ papa _ .

It was all too much and not enough.

Magnus really missed his boy a little too much.

“You have a kid?” Jace blurted out, his face a picture of shock. Magnus smirked, placed Xavier down in front of him before addressing the young shadowhunter. Magnus’ mouth parted, a sarcastic remark at his lips when Isabelle interrupted them, quietly as to not scare Magnus’ son.

_ Magnus’ son _ .

It sounded so odd to say, the words heavy on her tongue. A flare of happiness spread throughout her body at the new information though.

Xavier was simply his kid.

There was hope for Magnus and Alec yet.

“Xavier, do you like cookies?”

Xavier brightened up instantly. He nodded excitedly, brown curls sweeping across his forehead at the movement.

“Can I, Papa?”

Magnus found Isabelle’s eyes; warm and kind, a small smile on her lips. Magnus nodded, “sure.”

* * *

 

“I guess I owe you an apology.”

Magnus sighed, Xavier slept peacefully on his chest, unaware of his surroundings. Isabelle and Xavier had hit it off quite well which was no shock to Magnus as he’d seen Isabelle with young Max and knew how patient and nurturing she was.

“I’m sick of your apologies, Alec.”

Isabelle and Jace had long gone to bed, Catarina was occupying residence in one of the rooms she had been provided with leaving Magnus and Xavier, who were later joined by Alec, who asked Xavier if he was any good at video games and alas, a friendship was born. They’d spent hours in Max’s rooms playing a bunch of videos, some of which were extremely inappropriate for a five year old boy but Magnus was just happy to see that whatever Xavier had witness hadn’t traumatized his boy.

Looking at Alec and Xavier, his thoughts scattered. He imagined a life with him and Alec raising Xavier as theirs, together, being fathers to the sweet little boy but there’s no way that he’d ever be able to trust Alec with something as fragile as his heart, not again.

He wouldn’t be that stupid.

“Magnus, I went back at the loft but... You weren’t there. I called, left voicemails but you never got back to me. I-I just didn’t think, after all the many relationships you had in the past, that I couldn’t compare to any of them, be as good. Obviously, it was ridiculous to think but back then I didn’t know, I didn’t understand. Please, I’m so sorry.”

Magnus stared at the man who had owned his heart all those months ago, hazel eyes shone with the sincerity of his words, dark hair blown across his face by the force of the wind.

_ Alec. Alexander. _

“I forgave you a long time ago, Alec. Let’s just move on. It’s best for us both.”

Alec nodded. He couldn’t trust his voice to not betray him at this moment. Not when Magnus just shattered any hope he’d clung to for the past year. Magnus wouldn’t accept him back.

He should’ve known this.

_ He did know this. _

Alec raised from his seat, turned his back towards Magnus and took a few calming breaths. He refused to show his disappointment, disappointment that had no business being there because Alec..well Alec ruined everything they could’ve been.

“I did feel what you felt, Magnus.”

_ I love you _ went unsaid but Magnus had to have known that’s what Alec wanted to say. He had to have understood that Alec needed him, wanted them to be a family together with Xavier. He wanted so much with Magnus but he had to accept that Magnus didn’t want what he wanted.

Magnus had Xavier and that was enough for him.

“Goodnight.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Hey! If you've made it to the very end you're my new favourite. I've had this fic in mind for quite sometime but I couldn't touch it until I had finished chapter 4 for Fakin' IT (shameless plug)..  
> It's just a little something I had dancing around in my head, nothing too spectacular.
> 
> Comments are welcomed & most appreciated <333
> 
>  
> 
> If you happen to find any typos, please let me know.  
> Thanks for stopping by xx


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